


dont need it

by thiccheart



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, a big sad, hao is trying to help, intended lowercase, self-injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-08 11:54:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19106566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thiccheart/pseuds/thiccheart
Summary: in which,, minghao is trying to help-- but junhui doesn't think he needs it





	dont need it

**Author's Note:**

  * For [squishychan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/squishychan/gifts).



> this is for my best-est friend who i love with my whole heart  
> [@ u -- ily ]  
> [ and u helped me learn how to write angst--  
> so thank u hon ]
> 
> !!! please read with caution !!!  
> [italics is junhui's thoughts]

"you ok hyung?" was the first thing junhui heard in the morning, his half-awake state getting slightly startled.

"yeah, why wouldn't i be?" chan was hesitant, "i found blood in our bathroom, seungkwan-hyung said it wasn't his." chan said with a slight tremor in his voice. junhui swore in his native tongue, looking at the youngest. "my earring pricked my finger, nothing much." junhui lied through his teeth, another fucking lie.

"ok hyung, just making sure. seungkwan-hyung already cleaned it up." junhui weakly smiled, pushing slightly past the younger male, his smile dropping as he walked into his shared bedroom. a mumbled growl as he rubbed his still sleepy eyes. he fucked up again, worrying the damn youngest who doesn't need to be stressing over him for, why out of all people did he have to hurt chan. he groaned, sitting on his bed with his head in his hands, cursing loudly in chinese. god, _you're awful huh? making everyone worry. you are already a shit enough dancer huh? the performance team should really just get rid of you. and your shit accent that still hasn't gone away after more than four years, god damn annoying--_

 "i heard you swearing love." junhui looked up from his hands, getting knocked out of his thoughts, minghao leaning on the door frame. "what is wrong?" minghao moved to sit on junhui's bunk bed.

"nothing hao."

"hyung-- you never swear, what is it?" minghao deadpanned. junhui huffed, looking to his left.

"i told you nothing minghao."

"junhui," minghao kept prodding, "please tell me."

"just shut up and drop it!" junhui lashed out, making minghao jump slightly, looking hurt in his eyes. a silence sprawled around the two as junhui came to realization what he just did, "h-hao i am sorry." junhui quickly apologized, feeling awful. the elder left the room without another word.  _you hurt another member junhui, your fucking boyfriend, and in only five minutes, what a fucking great hyung you are._ junhui rushed into another bathroom that was not his own, seungcheol-hyung's he guessed-- spotting a lavender soap bar in the cutout of a rabbit. 

_god you are vile huh? about to defile your leader's bathroom._ junhui turned slightly to lock the door. it was a silent white bathroom. junhui ripped the cabinets open, trying to find anything that could cause himself to feel better. all of the unopened razors were in a cabinet in the hall closet, he could't go out now- too late. junhui picked up seungcheol's body razor, looking at it with an open eye.  _you could just snap it, break the plastic and four little blades._ junhui took a deep breath, placing the plastic bit between his pointer and thumb, bending it back till the blue plastic turned white. the four silver rectangles clinging against the marble cabinet. he picked one up, slipping the metal between his two digits. 

he turned the sink on, slipping the blade under to wash it clean. turning it off after rubbing it for a while between his fingers. junhui sat down on the toilet, pulling his pullover up to show his fury red marks carved harshly into his pale flesh. he held it between his thumb and middle finger, pressing with his pointer. he needed to be punished, he deserves it. he hurt his members. he watched the blood pool at the wound, the blood soon overflowing to drip down his arm, wrapping around his wrist and onto his palms, dripping off his finger tips and down to the tiled floor. junhui didn't cry, used to the fiery pain that flooded his senses. he moved upward, making another gash and more blood to drip. junhui felt his mind go fuzzy, feeling as if he was floating on pure air.  _one more, then you can rest._ junhui pierced his skin once more, sighing quietly. it was over, it was done. he stood up on his shaky legs, turning the tap on, drenching his arm in the icy water,  the tingles burning badly, but soon going away. 

junhui took a drying towel on a rack to dry his arm, holding pressure on the injuries till they stopped, only small droplets rising at the top of the break. he swore once again, pulling his sleeve down. he used the towel to clean up his mess, if any of the members found out he would be in hot shit. junhui looked at the four blades, scattered across the bathroom counter. he slid them down into his palm, along with the broken bits of plastic and the handle of the razor, feeling like shit.  _now you're wasting resources? wow what a fucking dick._ he threw it away, piling toilet paper on top to hide inside the plastic bin. 

_he was fine._

 

_..._

junhui looked in the mirror as the group dance, nit-picking every small detail that he could see. if his hand was slightly late, or a jump he did a millisecond to early.  _you really seem to like to drag the group down huh? look at yourself, such a failure._ the song slowed, seeing their choreographer stand up. 

"great job everyone! amazing work today." he announced, clapping with the rest of the members. junhui just stood looking at all the members till minghao walked over next to him, calmly but silently pulling junhui's black sleeve down. junhui swore,  _fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck you shithead he found out._ minghao looked relatively calm, intertwining his slender fingers with junhui's and a tight squeeze. they listened to their choreographer until they were dismissed, minghao never let go. giving warm looks and comforting gazes.  _he isn't mad? maybe he is-- no! he is just pitying you._ junhui pulled his hand away harshly when they began to walk down the hallway to the staircase. junhui looked back down at the slightly shorter male, seeing him smile again.  _why the fuck is he so positive for?_

the two walked back side by side, sitting next to each other in the car ride home, minghao looking at cute frog pictures on his instagram for the majority of the ride home. the car stopping in a halt as the performance team exited to their flat. minghao going back for junhui's hand. walking into the elevator as jazzy music spread around the small box, similar to ones the performance team listens to in their car rides. a calming silence between them. junhui was terrified for what minghao would say to him once they all got back.  _he is going to break up with you, he_ _can't fucking deal with all of your shit. you ruined your relationship--_

"hyung, we are here." minghao smiled, waving in front of his face. 

 

"oh sorry." he quickly apologized, stepping off just before the doors closed. minghao reassured him it was fine, but mentioning that he wanted to talk alone. 

"once we get in, lets go to your room, i want to talk to you." minghao said, a sad smile being sent over. junhui sighed, his hands balling up, he fucked up. very bad. he speed walked up the stairs going into his shared bedroom. he was going to be told they need a break and he would just cry for the night till he didn't feel anything. minghao popped in. closing the door and locking it. sitting next to junhui, minghao picked up his hand. "i want to help hui." minghao switched to his native tongue. "i did see it, and no i am not mad, i just want to help." 

"i don't need help hao, i deserve it." 

"yes you do! you deserve to live happily." minghao pulled junhui's hand to kiss at his knuckles. junhui chuckled, pulling his hand away, "no i don't. i have only been shit these past couple days." 

"even if you think that doesn't mean you deserve it love." a silence fell between them, minghao running his fingers up and down his palm. "can i... see?" minghao asked shyly, pulling his palm away to let him decide. junhui hesitated, wrapping his fingers around the soft black fabric and folding it up his left arm. minghao silently gasped, tears falling down his soft cheeks. "nobody deserves this." he shuddered, holding the elders forearm but watching out from rubbing against the divots. junhui pulled back, folding his sleeve down. 

"please don't cry. i deserve it." junhui pulled minghao close, wiping his falling tears. 

"no you don't, nobody does, no one." minghao whispered, muffles by his shirt fabric. "can you tell me why you do it?" his voice shaky and hard to understand from his muffled cries. junhui took a deep breath and stroked his head. 

"i will tell you another day." junhui whispered, kissing his still crying boyfriend's head.  _oh look, you fucked up again, making him sad again._ "i love you hao." 

"i love you too."

 

...

 

_you fucked up again,,_ junhui sat with a razor blade sketching red lines across a blank canvas. it hurt more on his right arm, guessing as it had never been cut before. he hissed as the water drenched the cuts, the water a rose color as it danced down the drain.  _minghao is going to be pissed with you._ junhui swore, applying pressure harshly. finally seeing the red stain stopped expanding on the white toilet paper. minghao made him to start to treat them properly, leaving a box of alcohol wipes and band-aids in the boys medicine cabinet. junhui patted the four cuts with the wipe, sighing at the burning sensation. going to grab the box of band-aids and pulling them out, peeling the white paper off applying them to his fore-arm.  _such a failure._

the chinese male walked out, going up to his lover in his bedroom. he spotted the other chinese male getting ready for bed. junhui sneaked up, wrapping his arms around his waist startling the younger. "junhui-hyung, you scared me!" minghao laughed, his hands dropping to the elders. he looked down, seeing a small blood stain left on his thumb. his breath hitched. 

"what is wrong?" junhui asked, leaning forward spotting the stain that minghao was staring at.  _fuck fuck fuck._ "u-uh minghao." 

"why?" minghao started to cry again, holding junhui's hand. "why junhui?" he said a bit louder. 

"i deserve it minghao. i keep making mistakes." 

minghao shuddered, turning around to face him, "if i fall or get hurt, should i hurt myself?" for the first time, junhui was left speechless. "if seungcheol's flow is not that good in a day, does he need to hurt himself?" 

junhui looked up, "obviously not!" 

"then why do you hurt yourself when you don't deserve it." minghao cried, wiping his tears, broken and weak sobs coming out. junhui pulled minghao to his chest. rubbing the back of his head. "i am sorry my hao, so fucking sorry." he whispered, kissing his head. 

minghao regained his breath, backing up, "you need help junhui." minghao shuddered. "i want you better." 

"i don't ne-" 

"you fucking need it, one day if you don't get help could fucking die." minghao deadpanned. "you need help." junhui thought for a moment, sitting down on minghao's bed.

"i am scared hao. i don't know how i will treat my stress, or when i am scared." junhui started to cry for the first time in a while. "this is my only coping method." he met minghao's sad eyes. 

"i will help you, even if you relapse sometimes, it will get better one day. come to me or any member when you are feeling this way." minghao wiped junhao's hair out of his eyes. junhui hugged him tight, kissing his head. his hands wrapped around his waist. minghao hugged him back tightly as well. 

"thank you." 

junhui stood up, holding minghao's hand. "where are you going?" minghao asked. 

"come on follow me." minghao stood up holding his hand, following him down the stairs and into the living room, where the members were sat watching a movie. "guys?" junhui called, turning the light on while jeonghan paused the movie. "i have something to tell you..." he went on explaining, watching some of the member's faces go to ones of horror. "minghao helped me realize that i need help." 

"but what if-" seokmin started but got cut off.

"no what if, i will work hard to get better."

 

"it will get better."

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you guys enjoyed~  
> [sorry for the rushed ending]
> 
> kudos and feedback is appreciated <3


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